Doctor came home and found he had no water so he called a plumber. The plumber walked in and had the water back on in 5 minutes. The plumber turned around and handed the doctor a bill for $275.00.
The outraged doctor stammered "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!"
The plumber smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn`t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won`t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn`t need.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first person he sees and immediately asks, "What is your IQ?"
"241," the man replies.
"Wonderful!" Albert says. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, "And what is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"Great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert lets go of his arm and takes his hand to shake it, saying, "Hello Mr. President!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'
The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A young man had been seriously dating three lovely girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes,and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."
The second girl returned with new golf clubs, a stereo, video recorder and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."
The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. And after giving long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."
Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"
Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"
The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
COMEDY SPECIALISTS
The Jungle Chalet,
Valleyview Glen,
Cnr Valleyview Cres. & Innes Rd,
Greenwich,
SYDNEY, NSW, 2065.
AUSTRALIA.
| fun@comedyspecialists.com.au | |
| Phone: | 61 - 2 - 9906 2350. (9am - 6pm, Monday - Friday. Answer phone after hours.) |
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