One day Pete was complaining to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better see a doctor".
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the local pharmacy that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the pharmacy. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the pharmacy, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A guy was walking down his street wearing a pair of glass underwear. One of his neighbors stopped him says, "I used to think you were crazy but now I can see you're nuts!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The guys wanted me to to stop at the local pub after work......not a problem I called Susan and told her I would be home around 10:00 or 11:00. Well, needless to say, I was a little late. I pulled into the driveway drunker than a skunk. I very quietly opened the door and and was headed for the bathroom when the cuckoo clock started it's thing. It cuckooed three times and I thought oh darn... So I cuckooed nine more times justin case she heard it.
The next morning I got up and everything seemed fine. We had breakfast and were talking about the planned activities for the day. I am feeling pretty smug about the night before. Out of the clear blue sky Susan said, "We need a new cuckoo clock. I asked her "Why do you say that honey".
Her reply was not what I wanted to hear. She said, "Last night it cuckooed 3 times and said "oh fudge", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled cuckooed twice more and then farted......"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Priest and a Nun
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'
The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
COMEDY SPECIALISTS
The Jungle Chalet,
Valleyview Glen,
Cnr Valleyview Cres. & Innes Rd,
Greenwich,
SYDNEY, NSW, 2065.
AUSTRALIA.
| fun@comedyspecialists.com.au | |
| Phone: | 61 - 2 - 9906 2350. (9am - 6pm, Monday - Friday. Answer phone after hours.) |
| Mobile: | n/a. (en route to gigs.) |
| Facsimile: | 61 - 2 - 9439 2319. (24 hours, 365 days p.a.) |
Visitors to this page since establishment on 2.2.2002.